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Thanksgiving Baskets

Mrs. Miller?  Mrs. Samantha J. Miller?

Mrs. Miller, I’ve got some great news for you.  You’d better be sitting down. 

Are you sitting down?

I’ll wait.

Now?  Good.

Mrs. Samantha Miller, I’m calling from the New Life Community Bible Church and Pre-school and I’m happy to tell you that you and your family have been selected this year to receive one of our church's fabulous annual giant Thanksgiving food and fun baskets!

This year were featuring canned hams, beans, potatoes…

Yes, Ma’am that right.  And, yes, we are the church that includes assorted party hats and the noise makers and such in the basket, all at no additional cost.  Wow, you must have received one of our generous outreach baskets in the past...

Last Thanksgiving?  Well, you're one blessed lady, Mrs. Miller.  You and those … four little Millers...

Yes, Ma'am, I know your husband died.  Says so right here.  I guess that's how you lucked out two years in a row. I guess every dark cloud really does have a silver lining.  Anyway, the point is that you already know what kind of a great church we are.  We take the Bible seriously …

Well thank you, Ma'am.  It's kind of you to say that.  So, did you and your family enjoy our basket last year?

All the way into mid-January, you say.  Well, Mrs. Miller, you must be quite the careful little homemaker to get that much use out one of them.  Most of the other families insist they only last for a week or two.  But, we both know how wasteful some people can be.

No, Ma'am, I don't know what to tell you to feed the kids in rest of January.  Or February, either.

No, Ma'am, we can't leave out the party hats and noise makers to make more room for food.   We have this arrangement with Paula’s Party Universe, over off exit 31 of the Eisenhower Freeway.  They agree to give us this amazing discount on church napkins and paper plates, and we agree to help them with some creative tax write-offs for excess stock.  I mean, we both know how important providing proper tax shelters are in maximizing profits and...

No, I don't guess you do.  Well, just take my word for it.  This year they ended up with 32,000 extra party hats from Indonesia.  So, trust me.  The party hats stay...   Yes, the noisemakers, too.

No, Mrs. Miller, we don't.  I’m afraid Thanksgiving is it for us.  But, I can have them put a second canned ham in there for you.

No, Ma'am, we don't.  You could try the Salvation Army or check with some of the local liberal churches.  I know many of them probably have a lot of left-wing bleeding heart liberals who voted for Obama and think everyone who just happens to live in a run down two-bedroom apartment and whose husband just happens to be dead and who happens to have small children just somehow ought to automatically receive a handout.  We think God calls His people to go out there into the free market and earn a living.

No, Ma'am, we don't do job placement. I’m not sure who you should call.  But, now that you mention it, have you ever considered having you children put on dark sunglasses and sell pencils on street corners?  Or, what about standing at the entrance to Walmart with your kids holding up a pathetic sign pleading for help?   

Well, there you go, Mrs. Miller.  Free career advisement along with our fabulous Thanksgiving basket.  It's like the Bible says, "Charity begins at home"...

No, Ma'am, I don’t know exactly where it says that.  Just take my word for it.  Anyway, let me get back to my little script here. 

All of us here at NLCBC.ORG know you and your family will be looking forward to the arrival of our fabulous annual giant Thanksgiving food and fun and basket.  Our driver will bring your gift of love by on Tuesday evening between seven and nine.  Just look for one of our church’s vans to pull into your driveway.  And, just so you don’t get confused, those will be the vans with our church’s mission, “Unto the least of these,” printed on the side in gold lettering.     

And, don’t forget, for your party needs, be sure and drop in to Paula’s Party Universe, where good times and low cost go together.  They are having a special pre-Christmas sale starting at 6am on Friday.  Do you need address or driving directions?

Okay.  I understand.  But, you do know some people still use taxis, right?

Anyway, thank you Mrs. Miller.

Oh, and if you’re ever looking for a church home, Mrs. Miller, we want to help.  There’s a nice couple of nice churches for people of your color right over not far from you.  We can give one of them a call for you.  Okay, I understand.  Maybe another time would be better.  It’s been lovely to chat.  Bye for now, and God bless.

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