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Church-Mart:: We Do Church Your Way

                 From    Pastor of Expansion
                 To         Associate Pastor of Commercials
                 RE:       This week's radio ad for WRNG AM/FM
     A once-in-a-lifetime bargain for you and your family.
     That's right, this is the church you’ve been waiting for all life.  Come on down this Sunday.  We're the big church just off exit 17. 
     Don’t like singing in church?  We don't even try.
     Sick and tire of religion that all rules, but no tools? 
     Tired of the narrow-minded?  Afraid of the broad-minded?  Well, how about a church that never expects you to have any kind of mind at all?  Isn’t that what you’ve been hoping to find?  Then this Sunday, you know where you need to be.

     Come on.  Wake up and smell the espresso. 
     We’re not here to judge. 
     We’re not here to preach. 
     We’re not here to make you feel guilty.  
     And we're not even here to make you to feel guilty about not feeling guilty.
     We’re the church for people who hate church.  The worship for people that don’t like worship.  And, on top of that, you get to be with thousands of people that are just like you.  No self-righteous pious hypocrites here.  Nope.  We don’t even pretend to be committed.
     Instead of taking up your cross, we let you put it in the trunk of your Lexus.
     Instead of putting Jesus in first place, we think’s its great if he’s somewhere in the top twenty.
     Instead of hearing someone preach about hell, why not listen to our pastor use that word to pepper his sermons with a little earthy language that lets you know you’re with people just like you.
     Hey, you say, what do you mean?
     When we say witness, we mean bumper stickers.
     When we say repent, we mean improve.
     When we say worship, we mean listen to the band.
     When we say God, we mean whatever you want us to mean.
     When we say holy, we mean holy cow, was that fun or what!
     But, don't worry.  Cause we’re still anti-abortion, anti-gay, pro-gun, pro-war, hate welfare, avoid the poor, and adore giant multinational corporations.  So, you know we’re rock solid evangelical.
     This Sunday’s exciting sermon: “It’s My Money, and I Want it Now!”
     So, follow the signs. Follow the cars.  Follow the cars with signs.  Follow them all.  On the South Expressway.  It's the broad highway.  Turn in and drive through our amazingly wide gate and, as you’ll see this Sunday, the road to us is always crowded.  


Kenny said...

You small church guys are just bitter.

Tom Lawson said...

Grrrrrrrrr (he snarls under his breath).