The Problem with Praise

Amanda was pretty excited to find out her husband, Jack, was reading the new bestselling book in marriage enrichment, A Praise Centered Marriage.  It wasn't that their relationship was bad or anything.  It just wasn't always as good as Amanda had hoped it would be.

Her hopes seemed to all come true  when, that next Tuesday evening, Jack looked at her across the dinner table and said, "You are wonderful.  You are simply the best.  I love everything about you. You fill my life with joy."

What more could a woman want out of a marriage?  At least, that's what Amanda thought six months ago when the process started that would eventually ruin their marriage. 

Jack was nothing if not confident and consistent.  The book had assured him the key to making any marriage better, from "good to great" as the book repeatedly claimed, lay in claiming the power of praising your wife and all the blessing that would bring into the marriage.

So, the next evening, when they sat at the dinner table, Amanda was actually pleased when Jack looked over at her, smiled lovingly, and said, "You are wonderful.  You are simply the best.  I love everything about you. You fill my life with joy."

The sense of strangeness actually first surfaced four days later.  It was a Thursday evening, which was when Amanda normally went online and checked their debit card spending to make sure there were no surprises.  She noticed the new Bose Home Theater  system purchase.  It was not a small expenditure.

"Jack, what is this all about?"

"You are wonderful.  You are simply the best.  I love everything about you. You fill my life with joy."

"Did you buy these speakers?"

"Of course.  There are genuine blessings to those who learn how to praise."

"You're not making any sense."

"You are wonderful.  You are simply the best.  I love everything about you. You fill my life with joy."

Amanda decided to just let it drop. I mean, people would think she was nuts if she complained that her husband's lavish praise was beginning to irritate her a little.

But, the sense that something was wrong didn't go away.  It just got worse.

About a week and a half later, Amanda had promised to go out shopping with her mom.  Jack knew it was on the calendar.  She was sure she had even mentioned it the day before.  But, seven o'clock came and no Jack.  She hadn't arranged a sitter, and she wasn't about to leave Katherine by herself, even though her daughter  kept insisting that nine year old was plenty grownup.  So, Amanda waited.  And waited.  Her mom called twice.  At first, Amanda did her best to defend her husband.

"Maybe he got tied up at work?  Or might have been in a fender bender?"

She couldn't for the life of her imagine what Jack could be doing on a Monday evening.  Even as she let the question firm up in her mind, she knew the answer.  Jack had to be at his sister and brother-in-law's house watching Monday night football.  Nothing else made sense.  She was furious.

Jack came through the front door about 10:30.  Amanda was sitting at the kitchen table, fuming.

"Jack, you knew I had something scheduled this evening.  What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking how much I love you."

"I know that.  But, how could you have forgotten about my plans for this evening."

"You are wonderful.  You are simply the best."

"Would you please shut up about all that you-are-wonderful stuff!  I want to know you realize what you did to me this evening and promise me it's not going to happen again!"

"I love everything about you."

"Quit changing the subject, Jack."

"You fill my life with joy."

Amanda stormed out of the kitchen, went into the main bathroom, and loudly slammed the door shut.

Jack had liked the football game.  Steelers versus Houston.  Both had a shot at the Superbowl this year.  Shame about Amanda and her mom.  But, Jack knew, sincere praise would cover a multitude of sins.

Amanda did not bring up the subject of Monday again the next day.  Or the next.  In fact, she didn't bring up anything.  She'd stopped talking to him.  For his part, Jack was taking it all in stride, and putting his trust in the promises he was claiming through the practice of ongoing wife-praise.

About two weeks later, time in which Amanda said next to nothing and Jack periodically announced his undying love and praise for her, she finally told her mother that her marriage was falling apart.  When asked why, she broke down and told her mother than Jack had totally stopped communicating with her.  He didn't listen to her.  He never admitted doing anything wrong.  He just kept saying over and over how great she was and how much he adored her.

"Jack, we need to talk," she managed to say just before they turned the light out one night in late October.  "I'm not sure it's working for us anymore."

"But, Amanda, how can you possibly say that?  You are wonderful.  You are simply the best.  I love everything about you. You fill my life with joy."

"Jack, if you don't quit saying things like that, I'm calling a divorce lawyer."

"I've never felt better about our marriage, Amanda. You are the light of my life."

"What planet on you own, Jack?.  Go outside.  Look around.  It's late October.  It's 9:30 and the sun went down over three hours ago.  Wake up, Jack.  This isn't lighting up anything. It's dark out there jack, Jack.  Not even the moon. Just a few stars."

"Why do stars fall down from the sky, every time you walk by? Just like me, they long to be close to you."

"Jack, I'm serious as a heart attack.  We've got to start really communicating."

"On the day that you were born, and the angels got together…"

Amanda stormed out of the house and slammed the door behind her.

Praise, even utterly sincere praise, cannot by itself build or maintain an authentic relationship.  Relationships need listening, not just speaking.  Relationships need to talk about tough times, not just pretend every day is  more joyful than the day before.  Relationships happen when people know when they have done wrong and hurt  each other, and are willing to talk about it, apologize, maybe cry a little, and then move on.

When one of the leading New Testament scholars alive today takes the time to address the weaknesses and predictability of contemporary praise music, it's a good bet the issue is about more than just style.  N. T. Wright's timely new book, The Case for the Psalms: Why they are Essential, drives home the point that the ancient songs of worship were far richer and more diverse than the praise dominated worship music that's become the mainstay of popular worship music.  Words of sorrow can stand alongside words of celebration.  Songs that focus on how we have failed God are there to balance those songs when we talk about the fact that God has never failed us.

It may go against the grain of our age to suggest that a constant diet of praise and worship songs is undermining the church's relationship with God.  What could be wrong with praising God?  At one level, absolutely nothing.  He is worthy to be praised and we understandable want to affirm that in our music.  It may be risky to come out and just say it, but a good deal of our praise music today is just outright boring.  How long can we keep singing the same ideas over and over, just revising the exact words we use to say it?

When  you consider that all relationships grow out of both talking and listening.  They grow through talking and listening using wide variety of emotions and circumstances.  The fact is,  we're facing a clear choice between praise and communication. 

Is there any such thing as too much praise?  Just ask Jack.